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Could someone please score my essay and give criticism?

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Assignment: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?

Conscience, the inner voice inside of us that tells us what is right and wrong is absolutely a more powerful motivator than worldly pleasures suck as money and fame. Although some people cynically view humans as selfish and egoistic, history gives us myriad examples of altruists. People such as Nightingale, Mother Theresa, and even Steve Jobs are such examples.

Florence Nightingale who was born in 1820 is just one example of a person who sacrificed her own welfare and comfort to help people in need. Although she was born into a wealthy family who believed that the marriage and childbearing were the appropriate paths for her, she refused several marriage proposals I order to follow her conscience. During the Crimean War, she helped look after wounded soldiers selflessly. In addition to doing the usual nurse responsibilities, she took time at night to talk to the soldiers; this altruistic act earn her the name “the Lady with the Lamp.”

Another example is Mother Theresa, She gave up her live and all her possessions and founded The Missionaries of Charity in London. This organization which provided not only food and lodging but also healthcare to victims of chronic diseases, ran on Mother Theresa’s motto “Wholehearted and free service to the poorest of the poor.”

Steve Jobs, founder and CEO of Apple Inc. is a great example of a philanthropist. He created a charity program called “Global Fund.” This project provided healthcare for victims of HIV and AIDS by using money from sales of specially manufactured electrical products. Today Steve Job’s “Global Fund” is the largest organization in the world that supports HIV and AIDS victims.

One can immediately refute the view that humans are inherently selfish when one sees the selfless acts of service performed by these remarkable individuals. Indeed, we should too, do our part to serve our society because the world needs more of such people.
edited May 2013 in SAT Preparation
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