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Could someone please score my essay and give criticism?

CKidLMCKidLM 2 replies2 discussions Forum Champion
Assignment: Do Changes That Make Our Lives Easier Not Necessarily Make Them Better?

Changes in our lives have definitely made them more efficient and comfortable without having any detrimental side effects. Although some people say that changes are only bad and insist on sticking fast to traditions, all of them admit to own either a mobile phone or a computer. I believe that if we are to improve our lives, we not only have to accept changes readily, but also adapt to them regardless of whether these changes are tangible ones such as computers and laptops or intangible ones such as online encyclopedias or search engines.

Apple Inc which was founded in April 1976 by Steve Jobs is, I believe, one of the significant companies to have bettered our lives through the innovation of computers. Although their first computer, the Apple Lisa which was released in 1982 was not only inefficient and bulky but it also sold for a hefty price of ten thousand dollars, Apple is one of the world’s fastest and most sleekest computers today. In addition, their minimizing of production cost and their bulk manufacturing process has allowed everyday users to own their own computer at affordable prices.

Wikipedia, which is non-profit online encyclopedia that is accessible to any with a computer is an example of another innovation which led to a change that also made our lives easier. Having more than 250,000,000,000 articles in 286 languages has allowed more almost 400,000,000,000 people worldwide to look up information with just a click of the mouse; something I believe our ancestors dared not even to think about.

But what happens if you want to look something up on Wikipedia but forget the websites URL(uniform resource locator)? Don’t sweat, just use Google Search! Google Search was launched by Google in 1997 to help users search for files and documents online and view them systematically by using a technology known as “PageRank.” In addition to this intelligent search portal, users can also check weather forecasts, stock market changes, and even plan their day’s journey using clear and easy-to-understand maps provided by Google. Indeed we can see how Wikipedia and Google have made our lives more efficient.

To summarize, I believe that it is absolutely erroneous to say that changes are, in any way, detrimental to our lives. Just by observing a few interrelated innovations, one can see that they have brought us nothing but positive changes that have helped us live more efficiently. Thus, I believe we can learn an important lesson from the maxim “the old must leave before the new can come.”
edited May 2013 in SAT Preparation
8 replies
Post edited by CKidLM on
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Replies to: Could someone please score my essay and give criticism?

  • RyanleexhRyanleexh 9 replies11 discussions Forum Champion
    I think it's a very well written essay- I'm no teacher though
    edited May 2013
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  • anewbeginninganewbeginning 1 replies0 discussions Forum Champion
    Why all examples from tech world?
    Its just my opinion but I'd rather have examples from different fields.
    edited May 2013
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  • CKidLMCKidLM 2 replies2 discussions Forum Champion
    I guess it's because wiki and google are related, and I just plugged in the apple example as im quite familiar with it? What kinds of examples would you recommend?
    edited May 2013
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  • sqhs2013sqhs2013 8 replies2 discussions Forum Champion
    Be more direct in answering. Using phrases like "I believe" makes your writing seem passive and thus less effective. By just cutting them out altogether will make your writing cleaner and more efficient. Literary, historical, scientific, observed, and personal experience examples are encouraged. Your writing is very clear and strong. Just be more aggressive in making your points. (8/12)
    edited May 2013
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  • sqhs2013sqhs2013 8 replies2 discussions Forum Champion
    Changes in our lives have definitely made them more efficient and comfortable without having any detrimental side effects. Although some people say that changes are only bad and insist on sticking fast to traditions, all of them admit to own either a mobile phone or a computer. If we are to improve our lives, we not only have to accept changes readily, but also adapt to them regardless of whether these changes are tangible ones such as computers and laptops or intangible ones such as online encyclopedias or search engines.

    Apple Inc which was founded in April 1976 by Steve Jobs is one of the significant companies to have bettered our lives through the innovation of computers. Although their first computer, the Apple Lisa which was released in 1982 was not only inefficient and bulky but it also sold for a hefty price of ten thousand dollars, Apple is one of the world’s fastest and most sleekest computers today. In addition, their minimizing of production cost and their bulk manufacturing process has allowed everyday users to own their own computer at affordable prices.

    Wikipedia, which is non-profit online encyclopedia that is accessible to any with a computer is an example of another innovation which led to a change that also made our lives easier. Having more than 250,000,000,000 articles in 286 languages has allowed more almost 400,000,000,000 people worldwide to look up information with just a click of the mouse; something our ancestors dared not even to think about.

    But what happens if you want to look something up on Wikipedia but forget the websites URL(uniform resource locator)? Don’t sweat, just use Google Search! Google Search was launched by Google in 1997 to help users search for files and documents online and view them systematically by using a technology known as “PageRank.” In addition to this intelligent search portal, users can also check weather forecasts, stock market changes, and even plan their day’s journey using clear and easy-to-understand maps provided by Google. Indeed we can see how Wikipedia and Google have made our lives more efficient.

    It is absolutely erroneous to say that changes are, in any way, detrimental to our lives. Just by observing a few interrelated innovations, one can see that they have brought us nothing but positive changes that have helped us live more efficiently. Thus, we can learn an important lesson from the maxim “the old must leave before the new can come.”
    edited May 2013
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  • sqhs2013sqhs2013 8 replies2 discussions Forum Champion
    See how much better it is without the "I believe"? :D Also, don't use phrases like "In conclusion," it is better to just make your point! It's much stronger that way! You know what they say... Simple sentences drop like an atom bomb! Good luck with testing!
    edited May 2013
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  • CKidLMCKidLM 2 replies2 discussions Forum Champion
    @sqhs2013

    Thank you, I get you point regarding the "I believe..." but I'm assuming that using phrases like "to conclude.etc" are what I called "signposts" that give your reader an idea where you are heading, imo, they also help with the smoothness in transition.
    edited May 2013
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  • Crystal31Crystal31 8 replies0 discussions
    I really like your essay! :) Well written indeed.
    edited May 2013
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