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Can someone help me in grading this essay?

tractorbeamtractorbeam Posts: 1 Harvard Champion
edited July 2016 in College Essays
Hey everyone!

I've been trying to get some online essay grading services to work, but no luck. I tried PR and Kaplan. They did'nt work due to different reasons. And then I happended to come across one CC thread where some people suggested that anyone who needed help on their essay just post it here. (When you are grading, just try to give me a score, not a range like 5-6. The guys at collegeboard will probably be similar to the people here, so maybe they'll give me a slightly lower score, but just try)(Also advise me on how to improve please) So I thought I'd give that a try so here goes:

This is the topic:
No great man lives in vain. The history of the world is but the biography of great men.
Adapted from Thomas Carlyle, "The hero as divinity"
In historic events, the so-called great men are giving names to events, and like labels they
have but the smallest connection with the event itself.
Adapted from Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Assignment: Can the daily actions of average people have a significant impact on the course of history?Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

My essay:

I support without a doubt, the idea that the actions of every person, big or small affects the course of history significantly. Besides the scientific point of view, which completely agrees with this, it can be noted in many historic events. Just as a line of falling dominoes may be set off by any domino in the entire chain, major events too can be sparked by just about any average person.

One example of this is the major disease outbreak in WoW(World of Warcraft). One day, one player entered a cave and caught a disease which was built such that it was to have an effect on the player so as he was in the cave only. The moment he/she left the cave, the player was supposed to be relieved of the disease, or so the game was to be designed. But due to a glitch in the code, the player failed to be relieved of the disease and as the player travelled, the disease spread and many players' avatars were killed. The game was so big and the disease spread in such a fashion that when studied, showed that disease outbreaks in world like this are very similar to those in real life. So a minor glitch or one average player could affect an entire world.

Just as when one drop of water falls into a placid lake, ripples form and expand so much and reach so far, the daily choices of the average person also make a prominent change to the surroundings.

But not every action causes a big change. For instance, using a calculator. But making a program, however small, for the calculator might. According to the butterfly effect, the current state of the universe depended on the initial state of the universe and everything that happened after that. So, even the smallest of small changes that happen will affect the entire universe, which is the biggest change possible!!!
Post edited by CCadmin_Sorin on

Replies to: Can someone help me in grading this essay?

  • sosomenzasosomenza Posts: 111
    edited May 2013
    It's technically competent but it lacks true voice. To find your writing voice, write like you speak, stating things in the most natural way. Simple and tight is usually are better than wordy an imprecise. GL
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